Whatever Happened To What’sername?
I am no longer married.
I had your average seven-year Hollywood run.
A very Republican, “O.C. housewife-type” stepped in and off my Tokyo born hub’s went. Off to taller, blonder, Orange County pastures.
The year before I met my Ex was the worst year of my life.
The year after I signed the divorce papers was one of the best years ever. In between was a lot of worry, pain, tears, massive insecurity, drama, love, laughs and crazy-fun. Through it all I felt as though I could rule the world if I wanted to do so.
Not that I would want to rule the world.
It is more than enough responsibility for me to get through the day and remember to feed my cat Marcello. But back then I felt it to be possible and I courted the idea. I was chatting with an old favorite friend of mine last night. A gal I met back then. I call her Susan Sunshine because she lights up a room with her fabulous smile and deep abiding warmth of being.
We were yakking away.
Suddenly, a very clear picture came to mind of who I was when first we met.
You know, one of those moments when you even remember how the room smelled and what music was playing?
I was Mrs. Alexandra Hatanaka.
I lived in a big (deliciously appointed in Deco-Zen) house in Westwood over by UCLA in SoCali. My hair was rockin’ a 30’s style bob.
I wore a size 4 dress.
I exercised regularly. Had bi-monthly gatherings in my home. I was writing a screenplay. Winning every sales award Avon had to offer. I did Readings in person. I sang some. I catered dinners and baked cheesecake for extra-moolah. I slept only four hours a night because I was so “busy.”
I thought I was happy.
Or at least happy-ish.
The thing is, I was clueless as to what I was really here to do with my life.
I thought I was supposed to please my husband at all cost. Stay in shape. Cook, clean, run my household like a Martha Stewart wanna be. Do my little Readings here and there. Do a little singing when the op arose. At a certain level I was fine with that. But if left alone long enough with my ironing and Johnny Mathis records? I had “this feeling” in the heart of my soul.
I knew it wasn’t right.
I knew I was not being well used. I knew it was just a matter of time before all of it would be a distant memory. My husband, my beautiful home, my new car in the drive-way, my 21 inch waist, and all of that frickin’ ironing! Somehow I knew it would befor the best if I just lost it all.
Life has a life of its own. And it can be pretty damn bossy on top of it!
Did I want change? Well, yeah. But I was thinking more along the lines of a bigger house, fraternal twins, and maybe a pink Mustang to go along with the Station Wagon.
What did happen is at least ten blogs worth of information I will not bore you with at this time.
These days I live in a loft above a law office in Sonoma. My hair is nowhere near a classic bob. I haven’t seen the high side of a size 8 dress in years much less a 4. I Read for people on the phone. People I have never met and may never meet but I love and care for them just the same.
I relish who I am and what I do with my life everyday.
Is it always easy bein’ a sister-doin’-it-for-herself? Eh, I dunno. But ya know what?
I have family, friends and clients who love me. I am so well-used!
I have a clear vision of what I want and how to achieve it. I have a stronger heart, a peaceful mind, and no visible signs of angst what-so-ever. If nothing changed at all I am as happy as can be right now, as is. I love my life.
But as I was talking with Miss Sunshine I realized I do miss Mrs. Hatanaka just a wee bit.
There’s a New Year looming large.
I am not going to trouble myself making crazy resolutions I will never keep. My intention is to bring back some of the golden-old-Alex, introduce her to Alex 2010, and see if we can’t make a go of it together. Somethings are not better left behind. Ex-husbands and wife-in-laws? God bless ’em.
If it weren’t for those two I would still be clueless in West LA.
Paradise is a decision but you must first surrender your own personal circle of hell to live there.
Happy New Year kidz.
Have a sweet one!